Time is relative.
Time is also an illusion.
But all we have is time.
I guess it isn't how long but how well?
But I wouldn't say I've lived well.
Most times I find myself in limbo. Trapped between my imaginations and reality, most of my times spent in my mind.
I'm almost completely numb to the outside world.
I still eat...I think. I still bath.
Time is a blessing as well as a curse, but it's more of a curse for me.
I have 24 hours left to live. Yay.
It seems my home, that is my mind, has decided it doesn't want me anymore.
Or why else would I receive a call from the family's doctor that I have a tumour in my brain?
Dead or alive, I think life still goes on
Don't you...?
"Tom!"
"Come down here and let's have dinner."
I let out a breath
Did I mention my mom doesn't know about my condition?
Well, now you know.
"I'm coming, mom!" I yell back dragging myself out of my comfort zone, into the unappreciated reality of small talks.
I cringe mentally.
The only conversations I have are in my head.
It's safe and no one judges me there, well...except me.
I walk downstairs and sit at the table.
"What's for dinner?" I ask without looking at my mother.
"Spaghetti and meatballs. Your favourite." She said softly giving me my plate.
My eyes widen as I stare at her gentle smile.
"You remember," I say quietly.
"What are you talking about Tom. Of course, I remember." Her smile never faltered.
My brows furrowed in thought.
So, she actually paid attention?
I think I should tell her in a few hours she wouldn't have a son anymore, or let me just keep it to myself.
What do you think?
'I think you should.' Came the voice in my head.
'Are you sure?' I ask.
'Yes.' It replied.
'Okay.' I nodded. My hands tremble as I stare at the food in front of me, most likely my last meal.
I lost my appetite. I clench my fists and brace myself for what I was about to say.
"Mom?" I start.
"Oh, sorry dear, I gotta run. My shift's about to start" She says as she grabs a sandwich and stuff it in her small flower print bag.
She kisses my temple and ruffles my hair before she races out the door.
"I love you!" I hear faintly as she put the key in the ignition and drove off.
I sigh.
I stare at the already cold food, my heart twisting in all the wrong directions.
I sigh again as I stand and give my food to my shepherd dog.
"I'll miss you, Jerry," I whisper as I pet my dog, probably for the last time.
Who needs food anyway.
In a minute, I am back in my room. I lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling, my hands behind my head.
I close my eyes.
A few moments passed.
"God, if you really exist, please make it quick,".
"Painless..." I whisper.
Soon I'll see my demons.
I'm not good enough for heaven
Neither am I worthy of hell
But I doubt I'll ever be satisfied standing in between.
But that's how my life has been
Stuck between two worlds
The world of the dead and the living
Alive, I never truly lived.
Never told the only girl I've ever loved how I felt about her. It's for the best I guess. I chuckle despite myself.
No one needs my baggage.
My burdens were my own, even though my bones had already been crushed under their massive weight.
I yelled out in pain every day, but it seemed my words were only audible to be drowned out by the limitations I now perceive resided only in my mind.
I'm a lost cause, or aren't I?
Please tell me I'm not?
Even damaged people deserve to be loved.
Am I wrong?
I feel the incessant headache near my temple intensify and I know my time is near.
It seems my wish was granted...for a quick death.
Behind my closed lids, I see different colours dancing, like the colours of the rainbow.
If only I could be as radiant...as meaningful, as beautiful.
But I think I was beautiful in my own way.
A beautiful catastrophe.
Now...this is the end game.
Or is it...?
Someone please tell me there's still hope.
Because deep inside I want to matter to people and most importantly I want to matter to myself.
So I need more time.
I want to love 'me' like I should have, I want to love my mom like I should have, and I want to tell the only girl I've ever loved that I love her, like I should have.
I need another chance...to truly live, to love truly.
So God, since you hold 'time' literally in your palms, will you please give me another chance...
...to live again...?
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